Tuesday, February 24, 2015

One

6 years ago, when we first started trying to have a baby, I wanted 2 kids. I grew up with a sister and couldn't imagine not having two children. In fact, I believe I remember telling a friend that I would rather have zero kids than one.

How times change.

I don't owe anyone an explanation or a reason on what our family will look like. But I know as soon as our child turns one in April, the questions about Baby #2 will start.

We are pretty sure there won't be a Baby #2. And we are okay with that. You should be too. Because how many children I have isn't your concern. Unless you are offering to help pay for daycare and breastfeed and get up at night to deal with a crying baby, you don't get an opinion.

I won't lie-I do have baby fever. My baby is nearly 23 pounds and 30" tall. She wears 18 month clothes and is starting to take steps. She feels less like a tiny newborn each day and sigh.....it is sad.

But I'll be 36 this year. It took 4 years and some sort of miracle to get pregnant. If we were to have kids 3 years apart, I would be bordering on 37, in the "advanced maternal age" category and considered high risk for complications. And that is only if I got pregnant the first time trying. Tack on another 4 years and I'm 40+.

Was this my plan 6 years ago? No. As our years of trying dragged on, was I sad about the chances of having 2 kids slowly diminishing? Yes. Very. But I was facing a life with no baby at all. And THAT was sad. Terribly sad.

Our Julia is the light of our lives. She is our everything. She is perfect.

Babies are hard. They are expensive. They take over your life.

I'm happy with one. Be happy with me. Be happy for me.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Balance

When does one find balance in life? I thought 9 months into this motherhood thing and I would be firing on all cylinders. I would have it all figured out. I would go through the day without any major stress because "I GOT THIS!"

I don't got this.

My got this looks like my showering in the morning as fast as I can because my baby is crying in her crib at 4:45 a.m. but I NEED to wash my hair.

My got this is cooking carrots at 8:00 p.m. to include in her lunch so I'm not the weird mom that doesn't send table food with her kid to daycare. Plus, she likes eating and is good at it!

My got this is staring at a bag of trash sitting in my front seat that has already tipped over and caused left over tea to spill onto the floor of my car.

My got this means putting the baby in her stroller as soon as we get home so we can both get some fresh air and time at the park before she eats at 5:00.

My got this doesn't look organized or normal or together. Most days I feel like I'm in such a big rush that slowing down to enjoy life isn't on the menu.

But that isn't okay. I think my balance will appear if I do slow down. If I throw out the trash today because the trash can is right there. If I stay at the park just a little bit longer. If I spend 1 extra minute in the shower while telling myself "she will be fine."

The choices I make on a daily basis all seem so important when really, only a few are crucial to my survival (and J's too). My balance will come when I follow the age old saying of not sweating the small stuff (and it's all small stuff). 

 



Thursday, December 18, 2014

This is Motherhood

Motherhood is placing a burp rag in every room in the house because your child spits up around the clock.

Motherhood is walking in circles around your culdesac because being outside is the only thing that calms down your baby.

Motherhood is singing and humming the songs made by baby toys all day, every day.

Motherhood is changing two diapers within 10 minutes because babies poop a lot.

Motherhood is calculating how much you will spend on formula for the next ___ months but realizing that one cost is only replaced by another.

Motherhood is crying while rocking your baby after her last bottle of the day. Happy tears that you made it through another 24 hours. Happy tears that you have a child.

Motherhood is feeling your heart ache so hard when you drop your baby off at daycare for the first time. And the time after that. And some random times in between.

Motherhood is walking into your child's daycare classroom, making eye contact with her and watching her arms flap with excitement.


Motherhood is incredible and overwhelmingly beautiful and hard. Really hard.

Julia is 8 months and 5 days old.

Friday, December 5, 2014

:Wades through the dust and cobwebs:

Oh hi. How are you? Geez, this place is covered with a layer of dust. Who knew blogs got dusty!

I have been thinking a lot lately about this little blog. I miss writing. I miss sharing. I miss expressing myself through words. As I find myself with a few spare minutes at the end of each day, I think about typing up a post but I'm not sure if anyone still has this blog on their radar and I'm not exactly sure what I would write about!

I said in my farewell post that I didn't feel quite comfortable posting pictures of my baby online, in this public space. God knows I share too many on Facebook and Instagram each day. Sorry, friends. But because this is a journal that goes back almost 7 years, I wanted to post about a special event that happened last night.

The first picture with Santa. Behold......

There she is, folks. That is my baby! Baby? Big girl. She is almost 8 months. She didn't like Santa. Hmm, I wonder what it is about Santa that is so scary? The beard, I think. 

I'm the mother that hoped she would react this way because it makes for a better memory than a smiling kid picture. I get plenty of those with my girl. She is rarely the type to cry when handed to a stranger. I should worry, shouldn't I? This is the type of picture that will make future visits with Santa more fun. To think she once full on freaked out when placed on his lap. And in a few years, she will hopefully be overjoyed at the thought of telling Santa what she wants for Christmas.

It was nice "seeing" all of you. Maybe something will pop back in this space again soon. 


Wednesday, April 30, 2014

See Michelle Blog: The End

This is post 1,260 on this blog. This is the last post on this blog.

What started out as a place to record my wedding planning journey became a place to share the daily thoughts in my head, my emotional trek through infertility and my surprise, miracle pregnancy.

And now that I have entered a new phase in my life, I'm realizing that blogging just isn't in my heart anymore. I see my entrance into motherhood as a transition that has already changed my priorities. I've been on maternity leave for 2.5 weeks and have barely had time to sit down at this computer to type this post. Or do much else!

 I actually wrote a draft of this post on my phone back in January. That is when I started to consider the end of this blog. There are two main reasons why I'm making this decision:

1. Privacy. I didn't include a picture of my daughter in the last post. For me, there is something about exposing a tiny baby to the world wide web that just doesn't feel right. When I post on Facebook or Instagram, I have settings that are private although I know nothing is really ever 100% private online. I'm not sure how much I want to share about my baby, motherhood, parenting, etc. I don't want to become a mommy blogger but the truth is that motherhood is all consuming right now. It is all I have time to think about, worry about and talk about.

2. I want to end this blog on my terms. I don't want to go months without posting, reappear for 1-2 posts and then leave again. I want to say goodbye the right way. I owe that to the dedicated readers I have had for 6 years. Readers who have prayed for me, cried with me and celebrated every single exciting milestone in my life.

Words can't express how much it means to me to have a group of people reading this blog for so long. I have appreciated your comments and your sometimes silent support. I know you were out there reading!

As I type these final words, I have a sleeping 7 pound 6 ounce, 21 and 1/4 inch long baby on my chest. I still cry when I look at her and  I am in awe of the miracle of life that was created. Life is beautiful. It is filled with poop, spit up and crying but it is beautiful.

Thank you for taking this journey with me.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Julia Mary

Julia Mary was born Sunday April 13, 2014 at 9:11 am. She weighed 7 pounds, 1 ounce and measured 21 inches long. My water broke Saturday night at 7:30 while hanging out at my sisters house.
My labor was painful. I progressed quickly, without meds, which no doubt left people walking past my room fearful. I went from 1cm to 8 cm in about 90 minutes, maybe 2 hours. It was intense.

Julia's heart rate didn't respond well to my contractions. Oh those contractions. They were a bitch. It felt like my body was being ripped in half. One of my amazing nurses was pushing hard for me to get the epidural I requested while the medical team tried to decide what to do: check my cervix, monitor the baby or send me for a c-section. My previous cervical check just hours before left me screaming like a wild animal so I wasn't in favor of getting checked.

The staff decided to give me the epidural and then perform the check and apply a monitor to Julia's head to get a better read on her. Once the epidural was applied, the cervical check wasn't too bad. It took two attempts to get the monitor in place and once it was on, the doctor looked at the monitor for 30 seconds and said "csection." I was happy. I just wanted labor to end and knowing Julia was in distress, I wanted her out.

I had been shivering non stop for hours during labor which I was told was normal and that continued in the OR. They prepped everything and Chris finally came in and sat by my side. She was pulled out of me and I waited to hear her cry. It took a minute and I was so so worried. Finally I heard the cry and everyone assured me she was okay. She had the cord
Around her neck and swallowed some meconium which is why it took a while for her to cry. Chris brought her over to me and I cried my eyes out. I was looking at my daughter. Mine. All mine. I couldn't control my emotions. He gave her back to the nurse so they could take her to the nursery to be monitored. They held her to my face and told me to give her kisses. I instructed Chris to go with her. I had a staff of amazing people caring for me. I was in the OR for an hour and in a recovery bed for another hour. I saw the nurse walk towards me with my perfect baby and life seemed complete.

We finally were moved to our own room and settled in for 2 days of care. The nurses and staff at my hospital were incredible. I can't say enough good things about the care and support we recieved. I cried on Tuesday as I was wheeled out of my room and down the halls of labor and delivery. As much as I wanted to go home, I was sad to leave the supportive environment.

The good news is that being home has been amazing. It's been a week now and while this parenting thing is hard, emotional, taxing and exhausting, my husband has proven to be a natural at fatherhood and his husband skills have soared. He doesn't expect me to do a thing. I say I want an apple, he is cutting it up for me. He cares for our daughter with such love that it causes me to break down into crocodile tears. This man that I married 6 years ago is perfection.

And we have created this little person that has taken over our lives in the best way. We love our sweet Julia. This was the baby that was meant for us for all these years. And now she is ours.




*I typed this on my phone so please forgive for any grammatical or spelling errors.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

39 Weeks




We really need to get that one last piece of art work hung above the crib! 
 Also, I'm huge. I did crop out my huge feet and I don't know why I have a weird color splotch on my face.

Hey Baby, come on outta there! The birds are chirping, the weather is mild and your mom is just about ready to be done with this whole thing. It's been fun. It really has. I have taken immense pleasure in growing you. The biggest honor of my life, I'd say. But there comes a time when we all reach our breaking point. My feet (and my blood pressure) are saying it is time to go. So please, let me make you aware of some changes that will be happening the next few days:

1. I will be eating salsa more often. I think you like it so take it all in. And if you don't like it, consider exiting my body so you don't have to digest it anymore.

2. I will be doing squats every night. Feel free to continue dropping down (and out).

3. I might even resort to bouncing up and down on a ball. Don't be alarmed. Everything is okay.

4. When I'm done with work on Friday, take that as a sign.

5. I like to be punctual. It is my hallmark. Please consider not being late to bless the world with your presence.

6. Girl, you should see all the clothes awaiting you. You are going to rock your wardrobe!!!

I can hardly believe I am one week from my due date. Even if I go overdue, this whole experience of being pregnant is coming to an end. And that hurts a little. It has been incredible. In a flash, I'll go from waddling around to being in labor to holding my baby. Perhaps I should save the sentiment for next week, when I'm typing away on my actual due date but I can't help but want to get these feelings out just in case she arrives by then. 

In other news, I decided that I would start my maternity leave today instead of next Monday. So far, so good!