Monday, December 13, 2010

Reverb10-Day 13

December 13 – Action: When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step? (Author: Scott Belsky) When deciding what to write about for each prompt, I try to stay true to my first thoughts. I read the prompt, a thought pops into my head and I usually end up writing about that. What follows is a bit of a lengthy story. It is information that I haven't yet shared on my blog but I think this is a good time to do it. So grab a Christmas cookie and some eggnog and read on..... I aspire to be a mother. I want to get pregnant and have a baby. Easier said than done. Let me go back to March 2009. That is when we decided we were ready for this whole trying to have a baby thing. My husband was in the middle of a 7 week long, 7 day a week work schedule and was living away from home so we had a few months to let it sink in that we were taking this step. I ordered this book from Amazon and started taking my temperature and charting every single day. But month after month, we found ourselves unsuccessful. Month after month, I started to wonder if something was wrong. Was I going to be one of those women that was....gulp....infertile? You spend years taking a pill to avoid getting pregnant and when you finally want to get pregnant, you can't. Finally, it was February of 2010. No baby. It was time to do something about it. I contacted my doctor and she gave me a referal to the Reproductive Endocrinologist at my hospital and I called to see what needed to be done. First, I had to attend a class about reproduction and infertility, as if I hadn't already done my research. It was awesome because I was the only person without my spouse with me. I'm sure the other people (and the nurse) were thinking "you aren't getting pregnant because you don't have a partner, silly." Second, lab tests. LOTS of lab tests. I think at one blood draw I had 5 vials of blood drawn. I had an internal ultrasound done (with my husband in the room....YIKES) and my husband contributed his offerings to be analyzed, if you know what I mean. For the most part, the doctor said things were fairly normal. Nothing looked so horrible on our labs that made it seem like it was impossible for us to have kids. We probably just needed some interventions to make it happen. I had an additional internal ultrasound where they push saline up into my tubes to see if there are any blockages. That was not fun. All clear, but not fun. Next up: treatment. It was May. Clomid (used to induce ovulation) plus a trigger shot administered by ME into my belly 36 hours before the deed was to be done. Yes, I gave myself a shot. No, I didn't think I could do it. Mind over matter people. Mind over matter. I took 5 days of Clomid (at night so I didn't experience side effects), triggered and well....you know the rest. In between this was two ultrasounds. Everything looked good and we hoped for the best. But hoping didn't work because I didn't get pregnant. I made another appointment, went in for my baseline ultrasound to find that the stupid Clomid had caused an ovarian cyst. Wonderful. That cycle had to be cancelled because using any fertility drug with a cyst could mean trouble. I was heartbroken and scared. The doctor suggested that next time, we use a different drug. Next time still hasn't happened. Remember, it was June where I had my "I am fat" moment and I made the very, very, very difficult decision to postpone further treatment until I lost weight. I never explained that in my posts about my weight loss. I said I wanted to lose weight before getting pregnant but what I didn't say was that we had been actively trying and seeking treatment for months. I struggled with this decision. I talked myself out of it several times. But it was the right choice. (P.S. I'm down 27 pounds as of this morning) What's next? IUI. Intrauterine Insemination. In order to get this done, my husband need to be back on a normal, 5 day a week, 8 hours a day work schedule so he can get some labs done and be there for the insemination. Currently (and since November 1) he has been working 12 hour days, 7 days a week. When this schedule ends, we plan to move forward. And this time, we hope it works. I'm not sure if anyone saw the length of this post and actually decided to read it. The basic question of "what's your next step" wasn't so basic for me. But infertility can't be explained in a paragraph. I have so many more thoughts about this but this is our story so far. The technical side at least. The emotions, the tears, the anger, the doubt.....those I will save for another time. I have to thank my husband a lot. I emailed him this morning asking if I could blog about this and he said "yeah sure, blog away!" It's quite a personal struggle but it is also a struggle that MANY couples go through. I hope someone can read this and know "I am not alone."

9 comments:

StumpyG said...

I'm pulling for you guys, big time. I think it's cool you shared this, thank you!

Jen said...

Thanks so much for sharing your story! Although the Hubs and I haven't actively started trying to make babies yet, I'm already worried about infertility. I have PCOS which has been known to cause issues with fertility (diagnosed b/c of an irregular cycle when off the pill and an internal ultrasound). My OB/GYN says not to worry about it yet, but being a chronic worrier, of course I do anyways. We're planning on starting to try next year, as I don't want to wait too long and make things even harder. I look forward to following your journey through 2011 with hopefully lots of good news!

Amy said...

Thank you for sharing because I am not alone.
We are on a break (for $$ reasons, IUI's are not cheap even w/coverage) but we will start up again.
Before you know we will both be PG.
I am thinking of you guys!

Stefanie K. said...

Pulling for you, always Michelle. I hope that your next step is the successful one. Whatever your (turbulent and difficult as it may be) path to parenthood is, I know you'll be a wonderful mommy someday to a lucky little babe.

Megan said...

I think you're really brave to put this out there. To take a step back and try to lose weight before getting pregnant - even though you want it so badly. All of it. I wish you much happiness and luck and joy and all good things in 2011.

Angie said...

i'm praying for you. here's to good things in 2011.

xoxo

"V" said...

Proud of my brave daughter and SIL.

The Jesse said...

thank you for sharing your story. i wish you a joyous holiday season and a new year filled with happiness.

Amanda said...

I'm sending you baby vibes. Thoughts and prayers your way!