Friday, January 28, 2011

Feel the Music

I was at one of the middle schools I work with today. They were holding a talent show during lunch. I was sitting in the cafeteria, waiting for the show to start when I saw a teacher guiding a student through the long line of students getting their lunches. The teacher was holding a long stick (wikipedia tells me it is called a White Cane). He sat the student down at my table and said he wanted him to sit close to the stage so he could feel the music. The teacher sat down next to me and said that he works with disabled students at the school, helping to integrate them into traditional classes. This student was a part of the Leadership class and since the Leadership class was putting on the talent show, he wanted to be a part of it as much as he could. I looked at the young man and my heart broke a little. I'm not sure if he had other disabilities other than being visually impaired but it seemed that way. Being the empathetic person that I am (sometimes, too much), I watched this young man and wondered what goes on in his head. I wonder how kids at the school treat him. I wonder if he can experience middle school like his peers. I wonder what his future holds and what he will be doing in 10 years. And yes, I felt sad for him. No real reason that I should feel sad for him because for all I know, he could have the happiest life ever. But in the moment, as he sat there, he showed no emotion on his face while his peers laughed, hugged, waved and enjoyed being out of class for 40 minutes to eat lunch. And then the music started and his face lit up. He really did FEEL the music. He looked so happy. He was nodding his head. He was smiling. He was loving life. He enjoyed that talent more than the students who could see it. He didn't stop smiling the entire time. And it just made me thankful that there are people out there to remind me that I should stop and FEEL the "music" everyday. That I should let complete and utter joy wash over my face at least once a day, if not more. My "music" is my husband. My family. My kitty. My time to exercise. My laughter. My friendships. My life. I hope this kid has several times when he feels the "music" throughout his day. And even though I will probably never see him again, I will think of him often whenever I need to pause and remember to feel the music.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I slept in my gym clothes

Yes, that is correct. I slept in my gym clothes. I think if I was single, I would have also slept in my shoes but I'm sure my husband would mock the crap out of me if I did that. I decided that the only way that I will work out on Tuesdays and Thursdays is if I go in the mornings. I'm too tired at the end of the day, I get home past 5:30 and I just don't have it in me to go to a crowded gym. Not to mention it causes me to rush the rest of my evening. Dinner, spend time with husband and kitty, watch tv/dvr, etc. There isn't enough time before I go to bed at 9:15. So I set my alarm for 5:00, slept in my socks, sports bra, shirt and ponytail and prepared for the early morning wakeup call. Lucky for me, kitty wakes us up super early by scratching the side of the bed. GOOD MORNING OWNERS I'M READY FOR MY DAY. It was 4:40 and I just decided to go for it. Contacts in, workout pants on, walk downstairs, shoes on, grab keys, wallet and phone and I was on my way. I stepped on the elliptical at 4:55 and was done at 5:40. I got home at 5:45 and took a little cat nap until my alarm went off at 6:18. This won't be an everyday thing but wow! Can I tell you how awesome it feels to know that when I get home, I will have nothing to do. I don't need to rush out to the gym, rush through a workout knowing that I would rather be at home with my husband (and kitty), rush putting something together for dinner because I'm starving and it is almost too late to be eating dinner. What is your workout schedule? Morning? Evening? Lunch hour?

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Inside my Brain

- I forced myself to go to the gym last night at 7:00 p.m. I got home at 5:30, had cereal and toast for dinner, digested, played with kitty and drove off to work out. When I got to the gym, it smelled like a sweaty sock, was SUPER stuffy and hot and I knew I wouldn't be able to have a good workout. Some people excel at working out in a hot place. I am not one of those people. I wrote a note and left it in the suggestion box. I bet the owner never even reads those. -My husband was playing peek-a-boo with the kitty this morning. He sat down to put his socks on, turned to me and said "I love her." Adorable. -It is foggy and cold here in Northern California and I LOVE IT. I'm not ready for the high 60's. I like wearing a sweater and bundling up. I love fog and overcast skies. I'm not ready for Spring. -I hate to jinx it but I think my skin is finally acting like it should be. I haven't had any serious breakouts in months. Hey skin, you are late to the program! I'm not a teenager anymore. Thanks for shaping up! (cue awful acne in a matter of days) -Is No Doubt ever going to make new music together? For some reason, several "90's and today" radio stations have been playing their songs the last couple days and it makes me miss their music. I need new No Doubt. Heck, I'll take new Gwen at this point. SOMETHING. -Are my TTC Tuesday posts depressing? I know my post yesterday was a bit whiny and that is something I don't like to do on my blog. I whine a lot in real life but keep it off my blog so I don't depress anyone. Please tell me if those posts are annoying and depressing and I'll discontinue the sadness and keep it lite and informational.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

TTC Tuesdays: Looks can be deceiving

In these posts, I crack a lot of jokes and make TTC funny, even though we are struggling to conceive a child. I wish I could carry this attitude over to how I feel in real life. I feel defeated. I feel broken. I'm crying out for answers when there are none. I want to know why it is so easy for some people but not me. I'm constantly reminded of my "timeline" and how the clock is ticking and how in a few years, I'll receive a diagnosis that puts me in a whole different category. My desire to have two kids seems like it is a pipe dream. Some people don't understand the struggle. They think "take a chill pill. Don't be so worried about it. It will happen if you relax." I'm sorry but relaxing has nothing to do with it. A medical condition stopping people from conceiving isn't going to go away after you do some yoga and meditation. And even with medical intervention (costing a lot of money), getting pregnant isn't guaranteed. That hurts even more for a frugal person like me. So where do I go from here? Nearly two years after we decided to throw the birth control out the window and no baby in our arms, I forge ahead. I believe that we will get the results we want and I try not to dwell on our misfortunes. But that isn't easy. As we get passed by people having baby #2, people having success their first month trying, people loving their child more than life itself.....we hope that someday we will be lucky enough to join the club. Positivity isn't my everyday reality. Sometimes, I just have to cry and mourn my lack of success but I have to remember that my path is my own and I will survive.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Happy Birthday (party) Dad!

We waited a few days to gather as a family and celebrate my dad's birthday. I made a cake for the occasion. That was a comedy of errors. I consulted my new cookbook for a chocolate cake recipe and got to work. I was nervous about making a cake from scratch and even thought about buying a boxed cake mix just in case I screwed up. I put on my husband's Mickey Mouse apron and got to work. I checked in on the cake and it was bubbling. Liquid was bubbling. That just didn't seem right and it wasn't. When I removed the cake, it was awful looking. I failed big time. And since I chose to believe in my abilities, I didn't buy boxed cake mix and therefore, was stuck. I decided to go ahead and try it again. After I had already cleaned every dish, bowl and utensil. SUCK. But I'm happy to report that the cake came out fine the second time.
And my dad loved the Blurb book I made him of our Italy trip in 2004. He didn't cry, like I hoped he would have but that's ok. I know that he loved it. I didn't feel like wearing my contacts and I thought it would be fun to see how much me and my sister really look alike. The answer: lots. Chris and Diana played a game of Sorry. In this picture, Chris is talking smack, saying he has never lost a game of Sorry. 15 minutes later, he lost. To a 5.5 year old. Then we sang and ate cake. And guess what? The cake tasted good! Hooray for me! Happy Birthday dad! Love ya!

Friday, January 21, 2011

No Strings Attached

Maybe I just watch a lot of tv (ok, I do watch a lot of tv) but the ads for this damn movie are on overkill. Every single commercial break features Natalie and Ashton making out, the stupid mix cd about your period and Natalie Portman yelling out in a public place "Why can't we just have sex." OMG. That scene makes me cringe. I can't see this movie. The previews have actually made me want to physically stop people from seeing this movie. I don't care if People Magazine gave it three out of four stars. I don't care if it is clever and funny and awesome. "Why can't we just have sex." I'm sure the cast of Jersey Shore will love this film. I'm going to have to pass.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Can I start over?

So far, I have done the opposite of everything in this post. 1. Lose 6 pounds. Probably not. 2. Workout 5 days a week. The last time I went to the gym was on January 4th. In my defense, I did develop an ear infection and a head cold that didn't fully go away until Sunday. Yes, I realize it is Wednesday. Today is the first day back to the gym! I hope I can workout longer than 15 minutes. 3. Read. HA. No, I haven't read anything except the internet. 4. Going out to eat. Hmmm....I don't want to talk about it. 5. Do something charitable. I ended up having a last minute, extremely important, can't miss doctor appointment the morning of the wreath clean up so I was really bummed that I couldn't help with that. I guess I should find something else to do before the end of the month. So as you can see, I suck at meeting goals for January. Maybe February will be better.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

TTC Tuesday: I need to know NOW

Previous TTC Tuesday Post All logical thinking goes out the window when the only thing on your mind is implanting a child in your uterus. This is why I some women tend to go crazy and take a home pregnancy test days before they get their period. Why do they do this? Why do they waste money buying HPT's and risk getting less than desired results when they can just wait until their periods are late and take a test that is more than likely going to give them the result they want? Because logical thinking doesn't exist. And for women who are going through fertility treatments, it can be even harder to wait. We imagine that we have symptoms when we don't. "Hmm I'm pretty sure my boobs hurt and that NEVER happens so I must be pregnant....PEE ON A STICK." "I feel something in my uterus twitching. I'm sure it means I'm pregnant....PEE ON A STICK." "Man, I'm exhausted, achy and hungry. Pregnant! PEE ON A STICK!" Also, it doesn't help that several companies love rubbing it in that their tests can produce accurate results up to 6 days before a missed period. Why wait until you miss your period??? Who does that anymore? Patience is for the birds. It is no surprise in our culture of I WANT EVERYTHING NOW that we can't even wait for nature to come along to inform us of the state of our bodies. We must pee on a plastic stick and let that be our answer. I'd like to see the correlation between women who take HPT's 6 days before a missed period and those that find out what sex they are having as soon as they can. The need to know generation is large and we are busting down the doors to get answers as soon as possible. Those women who glide through life and notice 6 days AFTER their missed period and then take a pregnancy test have to have something in common with the women who want the sex of their baby to be a surprise until birth, right? Me? I'm in the NEED TO KNOW group. I need to know. I pee on a stick even when I have clear signs that I'm going to start my period and we have already agreed that we will find out the sex of our child and then proceed to shout it from the rooftops because WE NEED TO KNOW. NOW.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Watch this NOW

Did I tell you guys about a documentary that we watched about a month or so ago? NO, I didn't and for that reason, I should be stuck with this pounding sinus headache for at least another day. How dare I. "The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia." It streams on Netflix which means you should watch it this weekend and then watch the Golden Globes Sunday night and get angry when it doesn't win in the category "Most jaw dropping documentary ever made." I'm not kidding. If you get through this with your jaw NOT on the floor the whole time, I'm going to wonder about you and the lifestyle you live. Don't google it. Don't watch the trailer. Just watch the film and come back to this post and PLEASE tell me what you thought. That is your homework for the weekend, class. Now it is recess. Go play!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I need Doc Brown STAT

In order to find my Blurb book, I'm going to have to set the DeLorean to August 25, 2009, go to the Twin Pines Mall and put the pedal to the metal. I hope the Libyans aren't there to steal the Plutonium that I need to get to 2009 and shoot me down like they did to Doc. Now, I just need to find where my Blurb book is hiding in Healdsburg. I'm sure Fedex will be no help considering their website is all kinds of screwed up and claims my book was delivered in 2009 when I created it and ordered it in 2011. Where am I? Whats going on?

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Ear. Nose. Throat

Do you ever wish that you would come down with a cold or the flu just so you can hang out on the couch for a few days and not go anywhere or do anything? Its not a good idea to wish for that. Spend your wishes some other way. Money, weight loss, a new car. Anything but wishing for some time at home because being sick sucks. I started to get a sore throat last Thursday so I knew that something greater was coming. Sure enough, Saturday night, I started to get that tingle in my nose and by Sunday, I felt like garbage. Monday...garbage and Tuesday I made myself a doctor appointment to find out that I have an ear infection. Last night I wasn't able to sleep AT ALL because sleeping while sitting up just isn't comfortable and the only thing that drained my nose was walking to the bathroom and well, I can't fall asleep while continuously walking around my house. So I suffered through a night where I got minimal sleep and now I'm at work thinking it wasn't a good idea to come in today either. I'll see how far I get. After all, today is the day I travel to 3 middle schools. Today is the day that I need to be on my A game because middle schoolers are crazy balls of energy. They take no mercy.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

TTC Tuesday

Happy 1/11/11!! In this week's edition of TTC-T, I'm going to rant about something. Shocking, I know. Me, rant? Never. After you have been married, let's say, 1 minute, people want to know when you are going to have kids. I get it. It is a practical question. They aren't expecting that you are going to say, "well, we are thinking of really getting down to business tonight so I'll let you know soon, ok?" They are excited for you to have children! But there are so many ways in which this question can be worded that changes the intention. Thumbs Down Ways to ask a couple when they are having kids: "Are you pregnant?": This is a horrible thing to ask a woman. Never ask a woman if she is pregnant unless she is talking about the fact that she is pregnant. "When are you having kids?": This implies that this couple is ABLE and WILLING to have kids in the first place. What if they are having problems conceiving? What if they don't want to have kids? The answers to these questions will leave you, and the other person, feeling awkward and uncomfortable. The smart ass answer to this question for an infertile is: I'm having kids 1.5 years ago, when I first started trying. Thanks for asking. Isn't he cute? "You should probably start thinking about having kids since you are getting older.": Again, if a woman is having problems getting pregnant and is reaching advanced materal age, I'm pretty sure she is aware of this fact. Thumbs Up Ways to ask a couple when they are having kids: "Do you want children?"/"Do you plan on having kids?": This has nothing to do with becoming pregnant. This has everything to do with wanting children. Do I want children? YES. Simple and true. No muddy details about the fact that we've been trying to have kids for 2 years. But really, even this can sting a bit. Yes, I want children. It is on my mind every day how much I want children. As you can see, the innocent question of wanting to know if people are going to have kids can turn into a painful, awkward, uncomfortable question if you ask the wrong person. You don't need to spend your life tip-toeing around people because you don't know what they are going through. I don't expect strangers to know about or understand my journey and challenges. But my journey has led me to the practice of not asking about plans for children at all because everytime I'm asked, my heart skips a beat and I stumble to put the correct answer together. If you are compelled to ask a couple their plans for children, don't add editorial thoughts about how they've been married long enough, getting older, etc. People are aware of their situations. No need to remind them. Last week's TTC-T

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Project Kitchen Cabinets

I'm not taking any credit for this project since I don't plan to help at all. Well, maybe a little but I will probably just mess it up since I am far from a Bob Villa type. I'm more like a Tim Taylor type and would TOTALLY cause something to be destroyed if I got my hands on our sander. Anyways, this is what our kitchen currently looks like. My husband will agree with me when I say that it has been quite nice not having to open and close cabinets to get things. The no cabinet door look is hip, right? Hopefully this project will be completed within a reasonable time frame. And in order for that to happen, it probably means that I will have to lend a hand. MORE POWER!!!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Back in September, I shared my experience using ScanCafe. I was really upset to have only 67 pictures (out of about 250+) scanned. They deemed all but 67 of the negatives "damaged" and unable to be scanned. I was sad and disappointed. Then I checked my secondary email account and found an amazing offer from They saw my blog review and offered to scan my negatives free of charge. The customer service rep (Bryan) said that although ScanCafe was a competitor, they wanted to make sure that my memories could be preserved and asked that I send my negative to them and they would try to scan them. This email was sent in September. I didn't read the email until November! And of course, my frantic self could not find those negatives for the life of me. I was so upset....again. I emailed back and said that while I would love to accept their offer, I could not find the negatives but I appreciated their kind and generous offer. And then I forgot about it until one day, when I opened a drawer in my house and what was there? The bag of negatives, still in place from when they were mailed back to me from ScanCafe. I jumped on the computer, emailed Bryan and asked if he would still honor his email. He got right back to me and said yes! I mailed them on Monday December 27, they arrived in Irvine, CA on Wednesday December 29 and the cd arrived in my mailbox Monday January 3. He promised a quick turnaround and he was right! I was nervous and not expecting much. ScanCafe said they were damaged so I thought maybe all the same pictures would be scanned. I was wrong. 265 pictures. Perfectly scanned. Clear as day. I nearly started crying. I spent the night uploading all the pictures to my flickr account, sorting them into sets and this weekend I will get started on the project that I was hoping to have done by Christmas., you guys rock. I can't thank you enough for this amazing gift. In the future, if I need negatives scanned, I will only be using your company and I will pass on this review to others so they know about your awesome services.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

TTC* Tuesday

I'm horrible at weekly post themes but I'll try to be better. What the heck is TTC? Trying To Conceive. Yes, I had to say the "i before e except after c" rule in my head when I typed the word conceive because I put the i first. My brain is still on vacation! And if you are confused about why I am writing a blog post about trying to have a baby, read this. I wanted to share something I found online the other night. I used the hashtag "infertility" on twitter the other night and scrolled through countless posts about how to improve your chances of having a baby (yes, thanks, we've tried all those). Mostly I saw useless tweets from doctors....I mean "doctors" selling some new product or idea but then I came across this article. And this part in particular really struck a nerve with me: Resolution Suggestion #2: Resolve to have more compassion for yourself as you go through this trying to conceive journey. What does that mean? It means when you don't get pregnant, you don't feel ashamed to cry or reach out for support. It means that you remind yourself as often as you need that your ability to get pregnant or not get pregnant says nothing about how amazing or wonderful you are. It means when you need to take a break from trying to conceive, you do so. It means you don't ever call yourself a failure or less of a woman or man just because you haven't or can't have a baby. It means you do your best to follow your doctor's recommendations, but you admit to yourself that you have no control over the outcomes. And it means you take deep breaths, and you take good care of yourself. Because you are totally worth it.

Whew. I needed to read that. If you ask most people who have had trouble getting pregnant, they will most likely tell you that they have dealt with this range of emotions. Failure, doubt, sadness. It comes in waves. You try to remain positive but doubt creeps in. You try to block it out but then you find yourself not wanting to get over confident. Its a messy mind game.

I have two identical bracelets on that say "Positivity." When my husband saw me wearing these he said "they both say the same thing?" I said "yes, I need positivity THAT much."

Positivity will get me through this. There is no doubt about that.

Monday, January 3, 2011

One Year Ago

Life has been missing something since January 3, 2010. It was a year ago today that we said goodbye to a dear friend. I think about Jonathan every single day. Often, those thoughts are followed by tears. It can be at the most random times where I find myself filled with sadness, remembering the exact feelings I felt sitting in that hospital waiting room. As I ran some errands on Saturday, I couldn't help but recall a year ago, January 1, 2010 when we stayed in that waiting room from 11:00 a.m. until 8:00 the next morning. Some serious bonds were made that day and those friendships carry on and the person we prayed for that day is deeply missed. More than I can even express. I'm filled with gratitude that I had a chance to know Jonathan. And today, more than ever, I think of him and the family he left behind and I get some comfort knowing that our lives were better having known him.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

January 1-31

Happy New Year! Wow, 2011. It seems like just yesterday we were ushering in 2000 and now it is 2011.
Instead of making the usual New Year Resolutions that I can't (and won't) keep, I'm going to make monthly goals. I love goals and I love lists so this is the ideal way for me to keep myself in check for the new year.
For January:
1. Lose 6 pounds. The scale told me this morning that I've gained some weight since Christmas but I'm still under the 200 mark. I'd like to lose 6 to get to my ultimate goal weight.
2. Workout in the gym 5 days a week. In order to help myself feel like I'm not a failure the other two days, I'm going to designate Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday as gym days. Tuesdays and Thursdays will be rest days since those are the days I get home from work at about 6:00.
3. READ. I have so many books lying around that I have finished half way and just never got around to picking back up again. Those rest days from the gym will be good days to spend an hour reading.
4. Limit going out to eat during the day. I drive a lot for work and some days, I'm out of the office from 10:30-2:00. My appetite doesn't allow me to wait until 2:00 to eat lunch but I can't keep buying food on the road, especially when that happens twice a week. I need to find snacks and a meal that doesn't need to be kept in the fridge to bring with me in the car.
5. Do something charitable. I'd like to do something charitable each month. This month, I'm going to help clean up the wreaths that I helped lay in December. I'll spend some time over the weekend finding other opportunities in my community to lend a hand.
At the end of the month, I'll report my progress! What are your goals for January? Do you make resolutions/goals? Do you keep them?