My mind tends to run and my imagination gets out of control and I think the worst of a situation that has presented itself. Like Friday, at my follow up ultrasound when the doctor didn't see what he wanted to see. Granted, it was only cycle day 7 (usually, I would be seen on day 9 or 10 to give the meds a chance to work) but with the weekend approaching, they thought it was best that I was seen early instead of too late. But in this case, that wasn't better because parts of my body weren't working "like an orchestra" like my doctor likes to see. My orchestra was like a bunch of preschoolers with instruments. Some were playing like they should be while others were sneezing into their tuba's and others were napping on their music stands. I left that appointment not knowing what was in store for my cycle, out $127 and another appointment (and $127) set for Monday.
Monday was better. Everything was good. The doctor was happy with how things had come together over the weekend. I had every reason to be happy. But it was a little thing that sent me into tears. The cost of my hcg shot had gone up $31 since I last needed it in January. In just 7 weeks, for some reason, the cost increased. $31, big deal. Yes, big deal.
Every time I get out my charge card to pay for an appointment or a prescription, I hold back tears. It is the financial part of this experience that sends me into an emotional spiral. I'm paying to make a child. Something that is FREE and I have to pay for it. And now I have to pay more? I try to remind myself that this could be the last time! It could work this time! But I have that nagging voice in my head that says "it hasn't worked before and it hasn't worked many times for other people. Why should I be so lucky." And no matter how hard I try to shake those voices out of my head, they are there, causing me to get that pit in my stomach and those tears in my eyes.
Hoping for the best this time is the best defense against those nasty thoughts. And I hope the next time I am pulling out my charge card, the appointment is a much happier one.