Tuesday, March 22, 2011

TTC Tuesday: The Little Things

This whole thing is a roller coaster and the smallest dip or the biggest climb can turn me into a mess. And sometimes, it is the little things that really have me in tears.
My mind tends to run and my imagination gets out of control and I think the worst of a situation that has presented itself. Like Friday, at my follow up ultrasound when the doctor didn't see what he wanted to see. Granted, it was only cycle day 7 (usually, I would be seen on day 9 or 10 to give the meds a chance to work) but with the weekend approaching, they thought it was best that I was seen early instead of too late. But in this case, that wasn't better because parts of my body weren't working "like an orchestra" like my doctor likes to see. My orchestra was like a bunch of preschoolers with instruments. Some were playing like they should be while others were sneezing into their tuba's and others were napping on their music stands. I left that appointment not knowing what was in store for my cycle, out $127 and another appointment (and $127) set for Monday.
Monday was better. Everything was good. The doctor was happy with how things had come together over the weekend. I had every reason to be happy. But it was a little thing that sent me into tears. The cost of my hcg shot had gone up $31 since I last needed it in January. In just 7 weeks, for some reason, the cost increased. $31, big deal. Yes, big deal.
Every time I get out my charge card to pay for an appointment or a prescription, I hold back tears. It is the financial part of this experience that sends me into an emotional spiral. I'm paying to make a child. Something that is FREE and I have to pay for it. And now I have to pay more? I try to remind myself that this could be the last time! It could work this time! But I have that nagging voice in my head that says "it hasn't worked before and it hasn't worked many times for other people. Why should I be so lucky." And no matter how hard I try to shake those voices out of my head, they are there, causing me to get that pit in my stomach and those tears in my eyes.
Hoping for the best this time is the best defense against those nasty thoughts. And I hope the next time I am pulling out my charge card, the appointment is a much happier one.


Amanda said...

Don't hold back the tears, I'd let them flow, but I also relieve stress by crying. Thinking about you during this experience.

Brant and Amanda said...

I totally know how you feel. My doctor had me come in a day early because he had the day off, so I had to come back the next day to get my shot and I got charged for the second visit. Usually they do the shot and the ultra sound the same day. Also, I found out that my HCG went up in price by $50.

andrea said...

Sending you lots of hugs.

S of Life Microscope said...

I'm terrified to start fertility testing and treatment because it is so expensive. Sure, I can afford a baby now, but not if I spend our savings on just getting pregnant. It's all so frustrating and it seems unfair that insurance doesn't cover it,

Christy said...

Tons of happy thoughts coming your way! I do have to say that out of this whole TTC process, worrying about the financial part is pretty much my biggest thing. Do we have enough? Are we going to be able to have a baby at all if we can't afford treatment? I know we all make things work to get what we want, but it's very trying on the mind.