"I'm infertile, okay?" is what I wanted to say when I was recently asked if me and my husband had thought about having kids. Infertile. It sounds so final, doesn't it? Dictionary.com defines it as "not fertile or productive especially: incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy. Delightful sounding synonyms include: barren, fruitless, impotent, sterile, unfruitful. OH and then at the bottom of the listed definition it actually says, "What made you want to look up infertile?" Oh Dictionary.com, if you only had two years worth of time for me to tell you the story.
Back to the point. I was asked the question I spend a lot of time dreading if I know I am going to see family members or friends. I really do dread it. A lot. Those close to me know not to ask or they inquire about how our treatments are going, how I'm doing mentally and what our next steps are. But there are many people that aren't "in the know" yet. I would be more than happy to share the news but I'm not sure my husband wants that kind of business going out to just anyone, even family.
So when I was asked the question (I felt it approaching before it was off the person's lips), my stomach dropped, I'm sure my face turned red (good thing I was already sunburned) and I stumbled to come up with some sort of answer that didn't involve making everyone within earshot horribly depressed on a happy family day. Because hearing someone say "I'm infertile/barren/fruitless/impotent/unfruitful/sterile" isn't exactly exciting. My answer was yes, we've thought about having kids but there are some things that we'd like to do before that happens. I blamed my house. HA. How lame is that? The "reason" I gave for not having kids right now is because it is a lot of work to keep up a house. HAHAHHAHAHAHA. This person must think I am totally stupid. Like, how can I expect to take care of a kid and a house if the thought of mopping a floor and dusting a shelf is overwhelming. I'm sure that person is calling CPS right now and getting a team of social workers assigned to look over me.
I lied. I think most of us in the "barren" group lie. I don't blame the question asker. Its not as if it was a stranger asking me. Family is curious and we have been married 3 years, I ain't young and it is the next logical step. But I really wish I had the balls to give some completely random, inappropriate answer.......
1. Kids? Yeah, we thought about kids when we were trying to make one this morning. Heeeyoooo!!!!
2. Do we want kids? Sure we do. Well, I think. I don't know. It changes every day.
3. Kids? No. Kids are weird and ugly. And they poop and expect YOU to clean it up!
4. Aren't kids kind of expensive? Ugh, I'd rather spend my money at the vending machine at work and not have to feel guilty that the .75 cents I just dropped on that Kit Kat could have gone towards Junior's college fund.
5. Kids? Yes, we'd love to have kids. We've been trying for a while and its just not working. Do you think we're doing it wrong? Let me draw you a diagram of how we do it. You have kids, maybe you have some tips.
6. Kids? Yes. I love kids. In fact, every time I hear about a new family member or friend getting pregnant, my heart breaks a little bit wondering when it will be my turn. And when I see the joy in my parent's faces when they see their 2 grandchildren, I cry inside knowing that I'm losing days, weeks, months and years of being able to see them be grandparents to my kids. And the guilt I feel about not making my sister an aunt (biological aunt that is), or my in-laws grandparents soon eats away at my soul. Torture on an almost daily basis. So yes, we do want kids. We just aren't sure how to make it happen.
Feel free to ask but know that I might lie to you. Please, don't hold it against me.