“Oh, I didn’t know you were having a baby.” She says to me and as I’m hearing it, I’m hoping she will stop before she says those magic words “having a baby.”
“No, I’m not pregnant” I respond in a chipper voice despite the rage I feel growing inside my empty of a child uterus, “just chubby.”
The secretary does something worse than make the above statement. She tilts her head to the side and squints. The look says to me: “Are you sure?” She thought I was lying to her. As if I owed her this news. Why are you keeping it a secret from me, the look told me, you are obviously showing, its okay for people to know!
I could have just ignored that and not felt a need to press on but I did.
“No, not pregnant at all. No way I can be with the things going on right now.” I made a circular motion around my stomach. I figured she would understand that I meant I was currently on my period since she is a female and we usually “get” those roundabout ways of talking. And she was already all up in my uterus business so why would I care if she knew I was on my rag? I didn’t.
But she didn’t understand. She continued her head tilt and said “is everything okay?”
“Yes” I said puzzled. I have spoken to this lady maybe two times in the 4 years I’ve been visiting this school. She asked again.
“Is everything okay with you?” Her head must be made of mush.
“Yup.” I retrieved the paper I was waiting to have photocopied and walked out the door. Trying to hold it together until I got to my car but the tears poured out before I could sit down inside.
This isn’t the first time I’ve had strangers assume I was pregnant. It has happened at least 5 or 6 times.
I always come up with those awesome responses after I leave a situation:
“Oh, I didn’t know you were having a baby.”
1. “Me neither!Thanks so much for being my OB/GYN and telling me! I had no idea you had the kind of vision that allows you to see into a woman’s uterus. Wonderful news!”
2. “I’m not but I have been trying for 3 years so maybe my body is taking the shape of a pregnant woman without actually getting to have the baby. Sucks, right? Especially when people like you say dumb crap like that.”
3. I would type out my husband’s response but it is not appropriate.
So just in case these stories haven’t convinced you otherwise, NEVER EVER EVER ask or assume a woman is pregnant until her water breaks on your shoes. Even then don’t assume because maybe she just has a weak bladder.
Here is what I was wearing that day. STOP THE PRESSES: I don't have a flat stomach! Sure, maybe vertical stripes really do suck but I like them and don't feel like I look pregnant at all. Not enough to warrant being told that I am pregnant. People starting showing at what, 3 months? So I look three months pregnant. Great. Awesome.