Thursday, April 5, 2012

A toe in the water before jumping back in

For a while, a lot of my posts on this blog were focused on my infertility issues. After 4 failed medicated IUI's last year, we took a break. I don't think I really intended the break to be this long but it was much needed. We went on vacation, we recovered emotionally from the disappointment and before we knew it, summer was over, my busy work schedule started and here it is April of 2012 already.

I'll be 33 years old this year. It doesn't really seem possible. I feel younger with the mind of someone older and wiser. 33 isn't old at all but it sounds older. It sounds more mature. It sounds like an age where I should have more. It is also getting close to that medical term "AMA" which is Advanced Maternal Age. In the Infertility world, being 35 and older changes some things and while I am still two years and four months away from 35, we've been trying to get pregnant for 3 years. In those terms, 35 doesn't seem so far away.

This site tells me that IVF for someone under the age of 34 costs: $12,250- $14,690 depending on certain "extras" you can chose. For the over 35 crowd the cost goes up to $13,910-$16,690.

But we aren't quite there yet. We hadn't had a conversation about what our next step was. Life was moving along nicely and there was something terrifying about this subject after our 4 failed cycles. A few nights ago I summoned the courage to say those magic words "what are we going to do about this baby thing?" Classy, right? We decided to give it another go this summer after we get back from Hawaii.

Having already done 4 IUI's, I'm not sure how many we have left. There is some point that spending money on something that doesn't work is a kind of a "waste" and that money could be used to go towards IVF. Our 4 IUI's have cost about $2150 and if we do two more with more expensive medication, that is about another $1500. Still way below what IVF costs but less effective.

It hasn't really sunk in yet that we'll be back in that world. The world where I walked up three flights of stairs to the doctors office, lay on a table and have what is normally an intimate moment between a man and a woman become nothing more than a 7 minute procedure with a doctor. What should be 2 weeks of hope and joy and possibility has been turned into stress and despair and disappointment based on the past. And while everyone says "Think positive! Attitude is everything!" past failures make that the most difficult thing I have ever done.

So we forge ahead and hope for the best because that is all we can do. These are the cards we were dealt. It is time to jump back in and play.


Anna said...

Sorry you guys have to go through this. My husband and I have been trying for over a year and a half with two failed IUI's and a surgery. It's the worst waiting game and I don't wish it upon anyone..

Wishing you guys luck for whatever path you choose :)

Angie said...

i feel like i have a "team" you are part of this team.

i am rooting for you and chris. huge, huge..hugs michelle

Patty said...

((hugs)) I'm wishing you lots of luck as you dive back in. C and I are actually in the works with UCSF right now to do an IUI orrrr possibly even IVF while we're back home in June, so we'll hopefully be at it this summer too. Eek!

kimberly michelle said...

You know I have nothing but hope and happiness to send you... and wish my words had more power... and my ear is always open. :) :) :)

Your strength shouldn't need to be tested this much... but there is no doubt that you are strong.