The other night, I had a bit of a breakdown. Break through? Breakdown. (opposite quote from one of my favorite movies; name it!)
It was about the state of my uterus. Still empty for those of you on Uterus Watch. There was another pregnancy announcement on Facebook and it sort of sent me into a tailspin. While feeling happy for this family, I feel more and more behind in the game of life. People moving onto a different phase and me, sitting pretty, waving in the rear view mirror as they juggle the joys of parenthood.
Cue tears. Massive tears. Cue my husband coming home from the gym, seeing me sitting on the couch crying. We had a very good, very helpful, very reassuring conversation. He listened as I said things that were very difficult to say. I listened as he said things that I needed to hear. And besides the fact that our conversation assured me that I have the best husband ever, I realized something else...
It is time for me to get some help. The range of emotions a person goes through when dealing with Infertility is bigger than the human mind can handle, in my opinion. I can't process the failures by myself. I can't cope with the uncertainty. And bless his heart but my husband doesn't have the emotional range that I have. His "black and white" feelings don't help when I'm exploring every color of the rainbow. My manic mind needs a place to feel at ease.
I emailed the doctor in the Infertility clinic at my hospital asking for a recommendation. Sadly, they don't have personal relationship with any of the therapists there which is unfortunate. It seems that therapy and Infertility should go hand in hand to provide us with help should we need it. So it will be up to me to make that phone call. I've been meaning to do it for months and keep putting it off. But if we are going to give this another go, I need to get my head in the game and learn some coping mechanisms for the emotional roller coaster we are going to be on.