Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Like a Cut

Have you ever cut your finger? A cut that requires a band-aid for weeks? And because that cut is on your finger and you need to write, type, apply makeup, etc, you are constantly reminded of the pain of the moment you cut yourself. In the early days of the wound, small movements increase the pain and you wonder if it will ever heal.

As time goes on, you still have to wear the band-aid but the pain goes away. You don't want to risk the wound opening so you play it safe with keeping it covered up. You are used to the band-aid getting in the way and it still serves as a reminder of what happened.

Down the road, you decide to remove the band-aid for good. Your wound is healed. The scar is there, the memory of the event that created the scar is something you will probably never forget but you can safely say that life is back to normal. Nothing is getting in the way when you go about your daily business and you think back on those annoying, painful days and it seems like a distant memory.

A year later, you cut yourself again. Right on the scar. And you bleed. The pain returns only this time, it is worse because you are remembering the pain from the initial wound and realizing that the healing this time around might take twice as long. That band-aid is back once again to annoy you and get in your way.

Yesterday, we met with the doctor at our Infertility clinic. This is a new doctor and I must say, I'm quite happy with his approach. He is no-nonsense, honest, forthcoming and bold. All things that I need. He listened, he spoke, he shared his ideas and thoughts. And we walked away with a plan. One of the things that he said that stood out to me the most was he was surprised at how long we have been patients in the clinic. He said most people don't last this long because one of two things happens: they get pregnant or they just don't come back. We have taken long breaks between treatment cycles but yes, we have been in their system for many months. He doesn't want to see us anymore. He wants us to get pregnant. As he said it "shit or get off the pot." Love it. It is so true.

And while I appreciated the technical talk, the making of plans, the sorting through labs, I hate the wound that reopens when going through this type of appointment. It has been closed for nearly 14 months and yesterday, as I drove to the hospital, I could feel the wound opening and the pain pouring in. In our case, there is small optimism. We have to remain realistic. The doctor said himself that given false expectations is not okay. He keeps it real.

While trying to get to sleep last night, I typed "infertility" into the Pinterest search bar, hoping to find something humorous in this crappy situation. You can always count on e-cards!


Brant and Amanda said...

Sorry u guys have to go through all that again. We will be back on next year. Curious, what did the doctor say?

Stefanie K. said...

Sending you love & hugs. I think of you often.