Friday, September 7, 2012

The Final Pages

IUI #5 was not successful. I hoped for the best and felt like this was the one, the one that would work. But not everything we hope for comes true.

I handled it surprisingly well. This wasn't my first time at the rodeo, as they say. It seems like the disappointment of a negative outcome is par for the course at this point. If failing to have a baby was all the rage, I'd be on the cover of every magazine by now.

Some people may not understand what I'm about to say. Some people will furrow their brow and shake their heads. And that is okay. They can't relate to what we are going through. I wouldn't want them to. All of this sucks, to be perfectly honest. The truth is that I am ready to be done. Yes, done. I don't see this is as quitting. We put up a good fight. We've given a lot of time and money to the cause and we have nothing to show for it except a stockpile of needles and empty boxes of medicine. At some point, a failed effort has to be called off. Hell, even Search and Rescues are stopped at some point. Our "search" for a child has us wading in the deep rivers of a murky lake and the only thing rescuing me at this point is exercise, cupcakes and the love of my husband.

But in a marriage, there are two voices. And I have to respect the voice of my husband who is half of our partnership in this search mission. His voice says to try one more time. Our doctor, who we met with over a month ago to outline a plan, suggested 1-2 additional IUI's. Remember, we did 4 last year. There is something about the #6 that has long stood out to me as a good place to stop. I had hoped we wouldn't reach that, obviously, but my inner voice told me we would get there. Sad, right? The lack of success has turned even my inner voice against me. I think she is working with my uterus to completely ruin my life. I know some people will insist we go on, try other treatments and options, but those options may not be for us. They aren't for everybody. The options we have chosen are too invasive for some. This is a personal decision, one that shouldn't be judged by anyone. The whole "walk a mile in another man's shoes..." bit applies here.

This conversation we had was the most adult conversation I've held in my life. It is crunch time for us and the seriousness of our situation has never been greater. We are approaching a major crossroad in our lives. The "Y" in the road is out in the middle of a field under a bright sun and we are standing there, hand in hand, feet firmly planted unable to commit to a direction. Our hands must remain clasped as this is not a road you take alone. And it isn't a decision you enter into lightly. I think it shows the strength of our relationship that we, while getting ready for a trip to the gym as I kneeled on the floor and Kitty made strange noises expressing her hunger, came to a decision in minutes. We would try again. We will take that result and our decision will be made. We will have a positive outcome and be thrilled with the choice and look forward to raising our child or we will have a negative outcome and move on.

And while the obvious answer is to want that positive, history tells me that chances are small. So I prepare myself mentally for the opposite, less desired position we may find ourselves in. And because I'm a planner and TRY to look at the positive side, I imagine our lives as a family of two + kitty. Just me and you, feeling happy and safe and filled with love and joy and contentment. Because what other way is there to live? Being filled with anger and sadness and regret doesn't sound like a fun way to live life. I like to think of this part of our lives, these 3.5 years as a single book, standing alone on a shelf along side its prequels entitled, "A Blind Date", "Moving In", "Down on One Knee", "A Saturday in June", "Making a Home". Those stories had a beginning and an end and they led to the next book in the series. This book, our current book that is still being written, is entitled, "The Struggle". It is the dark book in the series. Not fun to read like the others.

But the final book, not matter the outcome, oh, what a book it will be. It will be filled with love and adventure. Laughter and pain. Good times and bad. This book might include the stories of child rearing. But if it doesn't, it won't be a book focused on the sadness of the previous book "The Struggle" because we will have moved on from that. We don't have a choice. Wallowing in sadness makes a good poem or country song but it doesn't make a good book.

Our final book has yet to be written. It doesn't even have a title because you don't start a new book without closing out the previous in the series. But soon, we will take pen to paper (or fingers to keys) and begin  writing (and living) a new life that has been created just for us.

Chris and Michelle: A New Beginning
To be released in 2013.


runningonwords said...

I don't know what to say, but I wanted you to know that I'll be thinking about you. My husband and I had that conversation when the doctor told us we needed Clomid and we decided then that we would never pursue IVF and started seriously considering adoption. Obviously that's not how things worked out for us, but it was such a hard road to be looking down. I hope this next cycle is the one, but either way, thanks for being so open about your struggles. I know your blog was a huge comfort for me when we were TTC because it was the first time I realized we weren't alone in this whole IF mess.

Kelly said...

I love you Michelle. You are a beautiful writer and a beautiful person. You deserve the world. What a fantastic husband you have... here's to your next book! Whatever it may be...

Mama Parker said...

Love to you both! And kitty!

andrea said...

Absolutely beautiful. I can't wait to follow your next chapter, whatever it may be. Kudos to you both for your strength and your courage. xoxo

Sweet Bean said...

Just said a prayer for you and Chris! And big hugs too!

You know I love you and will support you however I can... Not that you need to know how I feel about this, but know that I am so proud of the woman you are, and the maturity (and pain that brought you to this point) is commendable. You are strong, and brave, and creative and amazingly talented in your skills and abilities with youth!!! And you are an amazing kitty mommy and auntie to your beautiful nieces and a wonderful, loyal, fun friend!!!

And now that your new chapter is about to begin, I am excited to see you grow into the next phase of your life!!! It will be magical because you will make it magical!!!