Thursday, September 27, 2012

Changing when nothing changes

I had a job interview last Wednesday. I was nervous. Sick to my stomach nervous. That feeling started on Sunday and stayed with me until a few hours post-interview. Amazing how just talking about yourself can bring up such feelings of doubt!

I've been in my current job for nearly 7 years. It is hard to believe it has been that long and in that time, I have grown into a skilled person who on most days leaves work with a smile on my face. I work with youth and I've realized over the years that working with young people is where I feel most comfortable. I excel at building relationships with young people and love the interaction I get on a daily basis.

The job I applied for was similar to the one I have now but in a different area, closer to home. It had other benefits as well but alas, it wasn't meant to be. I figured that I didn't get the job when I heard nothing from them on Friday and Tuesday, I received the official "not selected for hire" email.

But a funny thing happened between Wednesday and Monday. I had a great meeting on Thursday with a new adult advisor to our program. I saw students that I worked with last year that ran to me and gave me a big hug. On Friday, I spent some time with a favorite student and felt re-energized. And while I waited for my phone to ring for a second interview, I felt conflicted. I wasn't sure I was ready to close the door and open a new one if it meant saying goodbye to these amazing students I am so lucky to work with.

For now, nothing changes. But I am okay with that. I put myself out there, gained some confidence and practice interviewing. The good that came out of this experience is feeling a renewed dedication to my current job and getting a cute new dress, blazer and black heels.

Priorities!

Friday, September 21, 2012

Blog to do list

Upcoming Posts:

-Friendships

-Running shoes: You get what you pay for

-Is it November 7th yet?

-Update on my Changes post

-October Photo Challenge

-How many hampers is too many hampers?

-The long awaited phone call


I hope everyone has a great weekend! I have to work tomorrow (boo) but it is always a fun day (yay) and then I have to go home and run 5 miles (boo and ouch).


I'll leave you with this super adorable picture of my cat. Photo credit: Chris.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Michelle on.....red bubbles

Let me first say that this is a First World Problem. I own that.


I have a major problem with those red bubbles. I do not like red bubbles on my screen. When I see other people with these bubbles on their phone, with numbers in the high double digits inside, I get an anxiety attack for them. To me, it is like a long "to do" list where nothing is checked off. 

Why do you have that many unread emails? And that many missed calls? Update those apps! Reply to those texts. DO IT NOW FOR THE LOVE OF APPLE. 

My two red bubbles are about the max I can stand to look at. In fact, that bubble on the Settings app? That is the new iOS update. I'm not sure I want to update it yet. But my hatred of the red bubble is strong.
I've heard there are a few kinks in the new system and that Maps has totally changed (not for the better) thus my delay in updating. But that bubble. Just sitting there, staring at me. Mocking me, really. 

And is it weird that I feel exposed showing you my home screen? You should see Page 2. Full of shame. Actually the shameful apps are hidden in folders. :)

For people that keep red bubbles on their screen, how do you deal with that? Doesn't it make you crazy? I just typed "creazy" instead of crazy. What does that mean?

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Change

The magic 8 ball is still undecided but there might be a huge changing coming in my life. And although I went looking for this change, I'm not sure if I'm ready for it.

We get so used to our routine that the thought of changing that routine in any way leaves us nervous and wondering if we are making the right choice.

This could all be for nothing but I know that it has spurred me on to want to continue seeking out something better for myself. Even if something better is completely foreign and unknown.

Vague? Yes. I know. I'm that annoying person on the internet speculating about her life without giving you the full details. So cliche. I'll know more information soon and promise to spill my full, unedited thoughts.

But for now, I wait for tomorrow to come and go. I'll give it all I've got and hope for the best as long as you'll pass some of your hope along to me as well!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Remembering

The Flag of Honor hung next to Ladder 10/Engine 10 in New York City

There have been 11 Anniversaries but many of us reflect on that day often. We walked around the WTC site last July and listened to the words of Julie. Her husband was on Flight 175, the plane that crashed into the South Tower. We looked at the memorial in the World Financial Center Building, the headquarters of American Express. They lost 11 employees that day.

I think of the people I saw in a church service on September 12 in Long Beach where I living while attending college. One family held a picture of their son who perished in the attacks. The pain stretched across the nation.

I think of the news coverage and the interviews with people trying to find their loved ones. I can see the posters and flyers lining the street, memorialized forever in the Tribute WTC Visitor Center.

I continue to feel sad for the families and friends of the people who lost loved ones, for the people who escaped it and fight against the demons of that day, for the people who lost their lives on an ordinary Tuesday and gave their lives helping people on September 11, September 12 and even now, as they are effected by illnesses they contracted in those days. 

My thoughts are with those who suffer daily with the pain this day left them with. May they find peace in good memories and comfort in the prayers of strangers. 

Monday, September 10, 2012

Up Next

I'd like to thank you all for the kind words on my last post. It was terrifying to write but I knew I would get words of support and love from the people who continue to read my blog. Thank you a million times over.

A few weeks ago, before the IUI, I decided that if it didn't work out, I would start training for a half marathon. I'm pretty sure back in March 2009, I claimed that I would never run a half marathon again. I'm a liar. I need something to motivate me at the gym since my workouts are boring and dull. Running is just the thing that keeps me excited to workout and gives me something to work towards.

I printed out a 12 week training schedule and started on my way pre-IUI just to get training started. I stopped running over the course of my two week wait but on Thursday, when it was clear things didn't work out, I stepped back on the treadmill and got back to work. I can't just run straight through without some practice intervals so I completed a 2 minute run/1 minute walk interval for 30 minutes on Thursday. After a day off on Friday, I went back to the gym Saturday morning.....

I ran 2 miles without stopping. And yesterday, Sunday, I ran 3 miles without stopping. I'm two weeks behind on my training plan (I'm scheduled to run 6 miles on Saturday-fat chance) but I know if I continue to increase my mileage at a consistent rate, I will make up for the two weeks that I lost. I'm also looking forward to cooler temperatures so I can run outside in the evenings instead of heading for the treadmill.

In terms of diet, I'd love to proclaim that I'm going to lose all sorts of weight during this process but I usually fail when I do that so I'm just going to slow myself down, take a few seconds to think before I eat and hopefully, I can shed some ellbees before the race. No expectations. No major goal except to finish the race in one piece.

Have a great Monday!

Friday, September 7, 2012

The Final Pages

IUI #5 was not successful. I hoped for the best and felt like this was the one, the one that would work. But not everything we hope for comes true.

I handled it surprisingly well. This wasn't my first time at the rodeo, as they say. It seems like the disappointment of a negative outcome is par for the course at this point. If failing to have a baby was all the rage, I'd be on the cover of every magazine by now.

Some people may not understand what I'm about to say. Some people will furrow their brow and shake their heads. And that is okay. They can't relate to what we are going through. I wouldn't want them to. All of this sucks, to be perfectly honest. The truth is that I am ready to be done. Yes, done. I don't see this is as quitting. We put up a good fight. We've given a lot of time and money to the cause and we have nothing to show for it except a stockpile of needles and empty boxes of medicine. At some point, a failed effort has to be called off. Hell, even Search and Rescues are stopped at some point. Our "search" for a child has us wading in the deep rivers of a murky lake and the only thing rescuing me at this point is exercise, cupcakes and the love of my husband.

But in a marriage, there are two voices. And I have to respect the voice of my husband who is half of our partnership in this search mission. His voice says to try one more time. Our doctor, who we met with over a month ago to outline a plan, suggested 1-2 additional IUI's. Remember, we did 4 last year. There is something about the #6 that has long stood out to me as a good place to stop. I had hoped we wouldn't reach that, obviously, but my inner voice told me we would get there. Sad, right? The lack of success has turned even my inner voice against me. I think she is working with my uterus to completely ruin my life. I know some people will insist we go on, try other treatments and options, but those options may not be for us. They aren't for everybody. The options we have chosen are too invasive for some. This is a personal decision, one that shouldn't be judged by anyone. The whole "walk a mile in another man's shoes..." bit applies here.

This conversation we had was the most adult conversation I've held in my life. It is crunch time for us and the seriousness of our situation has never been greater. We are approaching a major crossroad in our lives. The "Y" in the road is out in the middle of a field under a bright sun and we are standing there, hand in hand, feet firmly planted unable to commit to a direction. Our hands must remain clasped as this is not a road you take alone. And it isn't a decision you enter into lightly. I think it shows the strength of our relationship that we, while getting ready for a trip to the gym as I kneeled on the floor and Kitty made strange noises expressing her hunger, came to a decision in minutes. We would try again. We will take that result and our decision will be made. We will have a positive outcome and be thrilled with the choice and look forward to raising our child or we will have a negative outcome and move on.

And while the obvious answer is to want that positive, history tells me that chances are small. So I prepare myself mentally for the opposite, less desired position we may find ourselves in. And because I'm a planner and TRY to look at the positive side, I imagine our lives as a family of two + kitty. Just me and you, feeling happy and safe and filled with love and joy and contentment. Because what other way is there to live? Being filled with anger and sadness and regret doesn't sound like a fun way to live life. I like to think of this part of our lives, these 3.5 years as a single book, standing alone on a shelf along side its prequels entitled, "A Blind Date", "Moving In", "Down on One Knee", "A Saturday in June", "Making a Home". Those stories had a beginning and an end and they led to the next book in the series. This book, our current book that is still being written, is entitled, "The Struggle". It is the dark book in the series. Not fun to read like the others.

But the final book, not matter the outcome, oh, what a book it will be. It will be filled with love and adventure. Laughter and pain. Good times and bad. This book might include the stories of child rearing. But if it doesn't, it won't be a book focused on the sadness of the previous book "The Struggle" because we will have moved on from that. We don't have a choice. Wallowing in sadness makes a good poem or country song but it doesn't make a good book.

Our final book has yet to be written. It doesn't even have a title because you don't start a new book without closing out the previous in the series. But soon, we will take pen to paper (or fingers to keys) and begin  writing (and living) a new life that has been created just for us.

Chris and Michelle: A New Beginning
To be released in 2013.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Saturday-Monday

* After being disturbed by Kitty from 4:45-5:45 Saturday morning, I went back to sleep after feeding her. She joined us in bed to take a nap. I needed to be out of the house at 9:15 to get gas in my car and drive 20 minutes to pick up my sister-in-law at 10:00. We were driving to Sonoma to do a college campus tour! I didn't set an alarm because I was sure I would wake up in plenty of time. Wrong. My phone rang and I was sure it was only 7:30. I talked to my mom, who was surprised I was still sleeping. When I hung up with her and checked the time, I saw that it was 8:50. WHAT? I kicked into Superhero mode. I showered, ate breakfast, got dressed, filled up my tank and made it to my in-laws house at exactly 10:00. I am damn good.

*We walked around the campus for about an hour before it started to get a  little warm out. It was chilly when we got there so I wore black skinny jeans and comfortable flats. It didn't stay chilly for long. Luckily, the campus isn't huge so we saw 95% of it in an hour. We ate lunch at In-n-Out and stopped by Sift for a cupcake. After getting back into town and dropping Miranda off, I stopped by my mom's to pick up some Pampered Chef stuff and drove home. I was tired!

*Saturday night, I went to Redbox to rent a movie. I got "Wanderlust." It wasn't the best movie around but it had some HILARIOUS parts. If you like crude humor, rent it. I actually wouldn't mind seeing it again.

*Sunday morning, I woke up and went to the gym. I was the only person there for a few minutes which was amazing. If you know me, you know that I can't stand a crowded gym. When I'm rich, I will build my own gym and no one else will be allowed to use it. Not even my husband. We are rich-he can build his own.

*After a 60 minute workout on the eliptical, I decided to go outside and do some manual labor. I washed my car, pulled/shoveled weeds and trimmed up our fast growing rosemary bush. This was all back-to-back-to-back-to-back. It was fairly warm by the time I was done and my arms were shaking from exhaustion. I overdid it big time. I also had mud and dirt on my shoulders and chest so that was gross but it showed that I worked real hard!

*After a visit with my in-laws to celebrate my FIL's birthday, I settled into bed with my ipad and pulled up my HBOGO app. They usually have some interesting documentaries available so I scrolled through and decided on "The Loving Story." This is the tale of Richard and Mildred Loving, the mixed race couple who married and were arrested for breaking the anti-miscegenation law in Virginia. They fought the law and they won. It is only 78 minutes and I highly recommend it. I was in tears throughout it and at the end, had a hard time pulling myself together. Can you believe it was only 54 years ago that mixed race marriage was against the law? And Alabama only did away with their anti-miscegenation laws in 2000? The documentary is a beautiful story of love occurring during a time filled with hate. I think in 54 years, we will see a documentary profiling the relationships of same sex marriage and I hope the outcome in the same. Let love win.

*The last day of a weekend is always sad. So most of my Sunday's are spent uttering "ugh, I don't want it to be Monday." The end of a three day weekend is just as sad but have a glimpse of happiness as we wake up and it is already Tuesday! I'm trying to have a positive attitude. I'm failing. I want to go back to sleep.

*Moving into the vague-blogging section of this post: I have some exciting things in motion right now. The end result is yet to be determined but I'm hoping for some good news over the next couple of weeks. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me please. Thank you.

*I asked on Facebook page but think I'll make a note here as well: I'm considering doing a house tour via photos and video soon. I'm obsessed with Movie Maker and have fun playing around with it so I think I'll record some footage of our home and make a little home movie. Literally. A movie of our home. Maybe I can get some decorating ideas out of it!

I hope everyone has a fast and easy 4 day work week!