Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Right Now

I walked out of therapy last Thursday with a smile on my face. Better than tears flowing down my cheeks, right? My experience with that wing of my local hospital is that I have often, over the past 3 years, walked into the parking lot after an appointment hiding under my sunglasses, attempting to hold back my loud sobs until I get into my car. I've walked down three flights of stairs after 1) handing over tons of money for a 30 second appointment 2) being violated by a piece of medical machinery 3) hearing bad news. I've had my fill of the medical version of "The Walk of Shame."

My experience in therapy has been a great one. I have meshed well with my counselor, which I know is very important and often shapes the type of progress you make. My first appointment back in October was the start of the healing process I had to do regarding our journey through infertility. When I met with her a second time, it was just 9 days after my dad had a stroke so our focus shifted. Being able to have her to talk to and work through my sadness and fear was vital to me not completely losing my mind during that period.

Once the new year hit, there were some scheduling conflicts so our appointments were spaced out quite a bit. But upon seeing her in March, some things had changed, progress was made and she even questioned my need for another appointment in 6 weeks. I stated that it was important for me to continue seeing her regularly since I'm basically a walking ball of emotion and needed the outlet.

While getting ready to head out the door to my appointment last week, I started to wonder if I did in fact need to see her. "What do I have to talk about?" Things are going well. No news to report. No issues at hand. She stated that in therapy, they don't like to hold sessions just for the heck of it and create problems that aren't there. After a short period of catching up, I did share some things that were weighing heavy on my mind. Some decisions I was hesitant to make, some topics that were causing grief in my house and I knew my stubborn nature was getting in the way.

Everything was resolved after that 60 minute session. Mostly because she said something that I have been repeating daily. "Right now, I have everything I need to be happy." We all want more. We all want something. But right now, in this very second, do you have everything you need to be happy? Yes. For my future is the answer the same? No. But that is what goals are for. There is no reason I shouldn't be thrilled with my life right now, in this second. That wasn't the case on November 10 and for many weeks after that. I didn't have a healthy dad so no, my life wasn't happy. And things could change, life is fragile but that is more of a reason to embrace today. Embrace now.

Right now, I have everything I need to be happy.

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