Thursday, February 27, 2014

"The Next One..."

I'm getting the impression that people think I should have more than one child. Should have more than one. Will have more than one. Wouldn't even consider only having one.

"Well, for the next one you can...."

"When you have your next one......"

Excuse me? Did I miss something? I understand that China has a one-child only policy and believe me, I'm not considering following their rules but here in America, there isn't a two-child policy so....

Get off my back about it. 

Did you miss the part where it took us FOUR YEARS to successfully conceive? The part where I spent the better part of those FOUR YEARS in emotional distress about being infertile. The part where we spent a lot of money trying to get pregnant only to fail time and time (and time and time and time) again. Yes, I am pregnant. I still don't know why it happened when it did and not in 2009 on the first try. I try not to question this miracle we have been gifted.

The funny thing is that there is no "perfect" number of children. Some people think one child is too many. Others scoff at someone who has 4 or more kids as being irresponsible to the environment. I'm not sure why people seem to think it is appropriate to assume that we'll have more than one child as if having one child is so horrible. How dare you!? An only child? Never!

Shut up.

I don't need to defend my current feelings on this nor am I saying this decision has been set in stone. What I do know is that we have plenty of reasons to not make plans to continue having children past the one growing in my uterus. Responsible reason.

*I ain't young. I'm not old but I'm not young. I'm not interested in being 40 and pregnant. More power to those that are. It isn't for me.
*Kids are expensive. Day care is expensive. Bringing another human into the world before I'm 40 means two kids in day care and unless YOU are willing to finance that, it isn't going to happen.
*For 4 years, we couldn't get pregnant. It was the most painful time in my life. I do not wish to go through it again.

This child is such a huge blessing to us. A year ago, I was staring down a life without children at all. Now I get to have one. And one might just be perfect. Time will tell.

But please, stop the talk of "the next one." It is disrespectful to "this one."

Friday, February 21, 2014

Knocked Over

Some days, I just want to write. I want to write long, college length paper blog posts about thoughts I'm having, feelings I'm experiencing and what is going on in the world around me. I want to share the joy and happiness I feel about my life.

Other days, I want to hide. I want to get under a pile of blankets and shake my fist at the world. I want to curl up and knock the questions I am having out of my head so I won't have to think about the pain and hurt people have in their lives.

Today is a day for the latter. Some things happen to those in our lives and we sit and wonder "why??" We try to put together the pieces that allow these results. We try to make sense of it all but it never makes sense. A person could drive themselves crazy trying to figure it out. We want to take the pain away, sweep it under a rug and get back to normal.

But there isn't a normal. There is just life. Life that comes in and knocks you off your feet over and over and challenges you to get up and keep moving. Sometimes, even the strongest person has to yell out "I can't get up. I just want to stay on the ground for a little bit."

And that is okay. The ground is okay. And on the day you rise to your feet again and feel the sun on your face and prepare for a new day, a better day than yesterday, you will remember that life is worth living. Even through the pain you feel.

Hang in there, dear friends. I believe better days are ahead.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

32 Weeks

While I was trying to sleep Monday night, Baby D decided to have a dance party. Lionel Richie was on repeat (that was an All Night Long reference). I believe I got about 2 hours of sleep between the solid flipping movements and my inability to stop my mind from thinking about the most mundane of topics.

"What should I wear to my baby shower? No, not that, it will make me look huge!"

"What should I wear in maternity pictures? Do I want to even do maternity pictures? I need to practice smiling so my face isn't all scrunched up."

I wasn't thinking about labor and delivery or daycare or anything remotely important. I was thinking about outfits. That either makes me a bad mother or completely oblivious to how my life will change in the next 8 weeks.

EIGHT WEEKS. I keep thinking about being 8 weeks pregnant. We had just told our families. Only a small set of friends knew our news. Anxiety was high!

An excerpt from an unpublished post I wrote at 8 weeks pregnant (9/5/13):

I had a prenatal class at Kaiser yesterday. I couldn't help but rewind back to May 21 when I went to the IVF seminar in Sacramento. That was just 3.5 months ago. At the time, I never thought I would be in an IVF seminar and just 3 months later, sitting in a prenatal class, hearing the nurse midwife discuss genetic testing and setting up appointments for me was bizarre. Is this real life? Is this happening to me? Didn't I give up?

Now, I am 32 weeks pregnant. I am in the home stretch. Is that true? Or is 36 weeks the home stretch? I feel like I'm in the home stretch. Some updates:

  • Baby D is moving around all the stinkin' time. Day and night. Sometimes, I do feel like I'm smashing her if I sit the wrong way. My belly gets pushed up against my desk and she kicks back. Right now, as I type this, some limb is up where it doesn't belong. Is this the rib kick I've heard about? She is running out of space, moving all around the surface she has called home for 7 months. It brings tears to my eyes to think what she started out as and what she has become!
  • We attended a newborn care class at the hospital last weekend. My husband found it entertaining to take pictures of the dolls at our station and make inappropriate jokes about them. The information was basic but still very helpful. I attend a breastfeeding class next weekend and our late pregnancy/hospital tour is at the end of March. 
  • My first baby shower is this weekend! I'm most excited to see family members and spend time together and as much as my Leo persona enjoys being the center of attention, I always feel a bit uncomfortable at these things. I never want people to fuss over me or go out of their way to do things for me so I've asked that the shower be low key.
  • We are no closer to picking a name for this little one. I took the wooden alphabet blocks in the nursery and spelled out both names and left it on the dresser. Hopefully, seeing the names will help me come to some conclusion about which I like better. Kitty was on the dresser, looking out the window when I heard a commotion. She took it upon herself to knock down all but one block from one of the name choices. The other was fully in tact. I think Kitty made her decision!
In two weeks, it will be March and I can officially say that I'm having a baby next month. That is difficult to wrap my head around. I guess I better get to work on that!

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Conversations with Strangers: Part One

Now that I am clearly pregnant, the public has a lot to say to me!

Location: Grocery Store aisle
Grocery store employee: (Reaches arm out to stop me while I'm walking past) "Gymboree and Crazy 8's are having huge sales right now on clothes."
Me: "Oh thanks! I actually just talked to my mom and she was in Carter's trying not to buy everything!"


Location: Starbucks, 6:15 a.m.
Very Nice Random man: "Is this your first?"
Me: "Yes it is."
VNRM: "Congratulations. Do you know what you are having?"
Me: "A girl."
VNRM: (smiles) "Ten years from now, you will be tired of all the back talk."
Me: (reaches for my coffee at the bar; said sweetly and sarcastically) "Well, I was a perfect child so I'm sure I have nothing to worry about."
VNRM: "So was I! Congratulations again!"

I then sent my sister a text, sharing his comment. Her response:
"I agree with him." LOL. #girlmomproblems

Stay tuned for more "Conversations with Strangers" over the next 8 weeks!

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Babymoon in Vegas

This past weekend, I took a babymoon to Vegas.....with my mom! Sorry, husband. This was a ladies only trip. From the amount of kicking, moving and dancing Baby D did while I was there, I think it is safe to say she enjoyed Vegas from the womb.

The view from our room at the Bellagio. Not too shabby! Beware: If you book a room with a view of the water show, it is VERY loud. Most normal people probably aren't in the room trying to sleep at 10 p.m. but I was and had a hard time due to the loud BOOMs occuring every 15 minutes. 

But so worth it. Gorgeous!

The Conservatory was decorated for Chinese New Year
 Someone (me) got fat face in Vegas! Yay!

Speaking of fat face.....I didn't get these at the chocolate shop in the Bellagio but I did have a scoop of mint chocolate gelato.

Tiramisu at Trevi in Caesar's Palace

We had planned to go to Fremont St. Saturday night but with the traffic so heavy on The Strip, we knew it would take a very long time to get there so we waited until Sunday morning. It wasn't busy but cool to see it nonetheless. We even stumbled upon a parade for Chinese New Year. Culture!

 The highlight of the weekend was seeing The Beatles LOVE. It was my first Cirque du Soleil show. Those performers are crazy talented and a bit crazy. The show was stunning. As a huge Beatles fan, I was in heaven!

The trip ended with a prenatal massage Monday morning and losing $10 at the Roulette table. It was a fabulous weekend and I'm so glad that I have an amazing mom who insisted on taking me to Vegas for a last hurrah before baby comes. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go take several naps. Vegas is exhausting for most people but add a gestating baby into the mix and well.....I'll be back to normal in a week!

Thursday, February 6, 2014

30 Weeks....WOW!

I'm in the 30's!!! INSANE. I have 10 weeks left (or more or less) and I think I will officially start freaking out next week, when I reach single digits in weeks left. Today is also my husband's birthday!

Operation Prep for Baby is taking over my life. Between classes, appointments and increasingly annoying third trimester symptoms, it seems like April will be here in no time. All of my Saturdays in February are booked and March is filling up fast as well. Although I have two full months left at work (I hope), I am starting to prepare to be gone. Some of the people I work with are asking what will happen when I leave and I'm explaining that process to them. It is all very strange!

 In a short time, I found it difficult to bend over to pick something up off the ground and put my shoes and socks on in the morning. Removing myself from my bed isn't quite as easy as it once was. I have to get some momentum going and throw myself off! Aside from some other TMI things, I feel pretty good. Adjusting to my new body shape is taking some getting used to but nothing is impossible.....yet!

Weight. Such a fun topic. Since I started this pregnancy overweight, my doctor made it clear that she had hoped I wouldn't gain too much weight. This may seem mean or unrealistic but to me, it was for my own personal comfort and health. And of course, the health of the baby. I had no intention of being ignorant of my weight gain and eating junk food because "I'm pregnant and I can do whatever I want." No. That is not true! From November 4 to the end of December, I didn't weigh myself. My maternity jeans were fitting just fine in my legs and butt so I figured I was in the clear in terms of healthy weight gain. 

Then I had my doctor appointment on December 30th. And I gained 14 pounds in 8 weeks. Oh. Whoops. Thanks a lot, holidays!!! My doctor suggested that I try to stay in the .5 lb per week range and I didn't think that would be a problem. Another 4 weeks goes by and I gained another 5 pounds. Now, they said 7 but I was wearing clothes!!!! Clothes are heavy. Anyway, that put my total weight gain for this pregnancy up to 25, which was the top of the range my doctor was hoping for.

Ugh. I felt bad about it but not horrible. Personally, I always had the number 35 in my head. Knowing where I was starting, I thought 35 pounds would be a lot but not A LOT. My next appointment is in 2.5 weeks and I don't want to get lectured or put into a category where they are worried about our health so I am making some adjustments, being more mindful of my eating and hoping for the best. My body is going to do what my body does but I can help steer it in a better direction and know that I'm making good choices.

I mentioned above that we are signed up to take some free classes through my healthcare provider. We are taking a newborn care class next month, a breastfeeding class in early March and a late pregnancy/hospital tour class 4 weeks before my due date. I hope I don't get too overwhelmed in these classes! Information overload tends to leave me in a state of panic but I need to remember that people care for their children every single second and there is no reason that I can't do the same.

In other news, the nursery is nearly done! We have one more picture to frame and hang and aside from getting bedding, a mobile and a changing pad, we have all of the decorative pieces that have transformed a once rarely used room to a space I hope our daughter will love for many years! I can't wait to show pictures.

Although my due date is getting closer and things will start to get uncomfortable, I think I have officially started the "fun" stage. I have two baby showers coming up, people are noticing more that I am pregnant (seriously-it has taken this long) which is fun and this weekend, my mom is taking me to Las Vegas! It should be interesting to experience a trip to Vegas where I am completely sober the entire time but I'm sure it will be a blast regardless. We are going to see LOVE on Sunday night and I'm having lunch with my friend Lisa who will be in town that weekend as well.

No matter how much I'm trying to ignore the whole birthing a child thing, I'm picturing our first moments together and I can't help but get very emotional. Finally deciding on her name upon seeing her face, those first pictures together and seeing my husband hold his daughter-well, it just sends me into a tailspin of emotion. These thoughts are no longer months and months away. They are in the rear view mirror and approaching quickly.